Happy New Year.
I was part of an interesting conversation today about mentors and I described my mother as one of my mentors. My mother died 15 years ago after struggling with cancer for about 2 decades. Sitting here pondering the New Year and the past, my thoughts returned to my mother who was my friend, parent and mentor. I pulled up some entries from a diary that she kept on her computer. For some reason I feel compelled to share an excerpt from her diary.
I miss my mother very much but I still hear her voice clearly.
Slightly edited for brevity and grammar.
It is 2:20am. I just finished watching "Anatomy of Murder". Funny. I hardly watch TV, especially after having such evening!
I woke up feeling great this morning at 6:00am, cooked breakfast, ate a lot, cheerfully active all day until suddenly hit by nausea and dizziness. I had to skip Mimi's hearty dinner but now I'm feeling OK.
I was suddenly hit by this feeling of tremendous happiness and decided to start a diary just to leave my feelings in writing. I'll be as faithful as I can to continue it.
No matter how hard I examine my feelings, trying to find some fault in my strange sense of happiness which I've continued to feel through all my objectively-speaking hard life, can't find it. I am genuinely happy even under extreme physical discomfort. How do you explain that? I have no complaints, however.
At this moment as I'm about to go to sleep, the end of a day of funny ups and downs, I feel so happy that I have to write. I've always loved people - I love so intensely through my life. Tonight I feel I am so much loved by my beloved ones that the feeling is overwhelming. Every occasion I had to be together with you, though not often enough for me, I always had such excitement to discover that I can communicate with other human beings beyond language. With you I could share the understanding of the universe without knowing any scientific truth about it. You have been the confirmation of my many most fundamental thoughts. There are so many names I can't possibly write down here at 3:00am in the morning. I am supposed to be deadly tired. On the contrary I am so alert and excited. I feel I am surrounded by warm pink clouds of love!
Almighty power that controls the universe, I only have one wish. Please don't make my loved ones suffer when I go to the other side of life. Please let then know what a happy life I've had and will continue to be happy in "the other world" watching them, talking to them, feeling them. Assure them that they will feel me too. I will even be happier without pain and will be able to do a lot more for them and with them.
5/21/94(Sat.) clear and nice
Joi called at night. He seems to be fine but should control his schedule better. He seems much too busy.
6/2/94(Thur.) clear and nice
Joi is coming home tomorrow. Everybody is anxious to have him back.